I am back! I have been off enjoying the beautiful and unseasonably warm weather. After the challenge, I have wanted to write but the thought of finishing the 2nd part of my Paleo reflection has created some resistance in me. I think it stems from my perfectionist/procrastinator side. I want to find the perfect words for the reflection and if I can't, I just keep putting it off. I guess it's almost like I am afraid it won't be good enough, that I won't find the right words. I compare myself to other people and other blogs I have read. Today, I noticed this part of me come out again as I finally got through some thank you cards I have been putting off. I believe I have procrastinated writing them because I am afraid that I won't find the right words to convey my gratefulness. It always comes back to bite me though, because either I send them really late, or it becomes too late and I don't send them at all.
I have always seemed to have a similar problem with eating and exercise. I can get rather compulsive about it if I let myself. First, I often need to wait for that perfect day to begin. Then that perfect day just keeps getting put off because life happens. I finally begin and just when I feel I have a handle on my eating, the cravings kick in. Then, if I can't follow the diet perfectly, I get frustrated, beat myself up mentally and quit. My mind gets the better of me. Where is the resistance to being healthy coming from? When I look closely at it I wonder, what am I really afraid of: failing or succeeding? Who will I be if I am healthy and in shape? Where will the old me go? When I am carrying those extra pounds, what am I protecting myself from? Lately I have been looking at the many ways this pattern repeats in my life. I just listed 3 and I am sure there is more.
As I continue to learn to maneuver this Paleo lifestyle, I find myself coming upon this same resistance. The cravings in me for sweets have been strong lately, and occasionally I have indulged more than I should. It never feels good mentally or physically and then I find I beat myself up afterward, promising to do better next time and then feeling like a failure when I don't. I think the trick is to be more gentle with myself. I think of the phrase "what we resist persists." One of the reasons I believe that many people find success in the Paleo/Primal template is that we don't have to be perfect to see results. Yet the perfectionist in me needs to continue to learn this. I also need to start to ask myself: what is it that I am really searching for when I find myself starving in the kitchen searching for something, anything, to satisfy my cravings (usually chocolate)? Most of the time I think it is as simple as me the act of chewing to calm my nervous energy/anxiety. For some people it may be to fill a void. I plan to continue to just notice what other feelings are there when the cravings come and ask myself what it is that I really need before I reach for something to eat.
On a brighter note, I have completed two CrossFit sessions. I have started working out at CrossFit Wilmette where my brother works out and I have really enjoyed it so far. I am being gentle with my body as I work back into things. Most of the work I have been doing is mobility work, but my muscles are not used to being used this way so I absolutely feel it. I am incredibly sore, but as former athlete, I have grown to enjoy that feeling. Along with it comes a sense of accomplishment for a job well done. I find that in CrossFit, as in all the other areas I spoke about earlier, I have that same resistance. That same voice telling me I can't that, I will fail, that I am not good enough, that this will be another thing I can't stick to. My first workout required me to get over my own ego as I found that my body just couldn't do the things I wanted it to anymore. It was embarrassing to me. I started to beat myself up. How could I let myself become this out of shape? I found that beating myself up did not make me feel stronger, it made me feel weaker. Instead of putting my energy into accomplishing things I was putting my energy into feeling weak. Thank goodness I got over my ego fairly quickly. I started to tell myself how proud I was of myself for just going there and beginning again. I reminded myself that it took courage and strength just to try something new. On Saturday, my coach/trainer put a box in front of me and asked me to do a box jump. Again, my first thought was, "I hope I don't fall on my face". My second thought was, "I don't even know if I can jump that high anymore". After I got over myself and realized where my energy was going, I focused on the task at hand. Then I focused hard and I jumped it and then I did it again and again and felt more proud of myself than I have in such a long time. I have done a ton of different workouts in my life, but CrossFit is completely new to me. I am learning how to use my body again and it feels good. I already feel stronger and look forward to each session.
By the way, check out my brother's blog. As I have said before, I am so proud of him for how far he has come. He has also shown me so much support as I embark on this new Paleo and Crossfit journey.
http://www.thecrossfitpaleoparadigm.blogspot.com/
Until next time...
